Secrets! Of Doom
by xJellyRollx
Summary: Ahh, what fun. Snape being a Therapist and all. Of course, he just HAD to give the students Veritaserum...


AU: Guess how this GREAT (note the sarcasm) story was written? OUT OF BOREDOM! Yay! Not really. Heck, I don't even care if you review me, telling me to go away and never write again (I can always find your house in a stalkerish way then tie you up and force you to listen to Barney remakes). As long as you review, I'm fine.

I PROMISE YOU'LL LOSE A FEW BRAIN CELLS AFTER READING THIS!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, because I certainly don't want any annoying lawyers on my ass. I DID write the story though, so HA! IN YOUR FACE! Okay, I'm happy now. :D

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Snape cleared his throat and several students shut their mouths to listen to their least favorite teacher speak (or in Malfoy's case, his favorite teacher because HELL, we all know he's a suck up right?).

"Alright students who are below me. Today is the start of something COMPLETELY idiotic and unnerving that the headmaster wants to add to my already intolerable job," He began boringly, crossing his arms, " Now I get to listen to your ridiculous inner personal problems while facing your outer facial problems as well. I REALLY should be paid extra for becoming your 'therapist' shall I say it, but the senile old man could care less. Let's get this over with shall we?"

Neville Longbottom squirmed in his seat, and suddenly said the most random thing.

"I USE TO WAKE UP EARLY AND TRY ON EVERYONE'S UNDERWEAR BEFORE THEY WEAR IT THAT MORNING!"

By then, the Gryffindor boys held horror in their eyes while the rest of the students giggled and gagged over this outburst. Snape stroked his chin and muttered something to himself.

"Yes… that Veritaserum is starting to work… and that extra liver helped transforming it into random speakage at random times… good…"

Parvarti Patil stood up and ripped off her shirt.

"I LIKE TO ENTERTAIN MYSELF WITH MUGGLE PORNO FLICKS WHILE EATING WHIP CREAM NAKED!"

"I like to accompany her," Justin Finch-Fletchley muttered, turning red with embarrassment as the whole group turned to him and laughed.

"Yeah, go Hufflepuff Fletchley!"

" SHUT UP FINNIGAN!"

Seamus gave him a thumbs up sign, but then suddenly turned a bit white.

"… Dean and I have been fuck buddies since 4th year."

Silence filled the room. Snape made a mental note to taunt them on that subject whenever he gets a chance to. Ron looked horrified, Harry looked shocked, and Dean… well, Dean wasn't THAT pleased (he was mouthing "you're not getting ANY in a month!").

"Hermione and I have been brewing a sex change potion for Malfoy!" Ron blurted out, covering his mouth after he said it.

Hermione rose up from her chair and started beating him with the back of her shoe, screaming, "IT WAS ALMOST DONE ALMOST FREAKING DONE! YOU JUST HAD TO SAY THAT ONE DIDN'T YOU?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL THEM ABOUT THE TIME YOU WALKED INTO YOUR BROTHERS LICKING CHOCOLATE OFF OF EACH OTHER, OR ABOUT THE TIME YOU FOUND A BERTIE BOTT'S EVERY FLAVOR BEAN ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AND ATE IT?!"

Just when everyone was about to calm down from the hell of a laugh they got from that, Draco Malfoy stood up and ran a hand through his hair.

" It takes 4 hours to look THIS good. Check out my ass, it's bloody beautiful! Oh… and I AM aware of the hard objects in your pants when you stare at me in the Great Hall."

He sat down gracefully and smirked. Snape slapped his hand on his forehead. Theodore Nott carefully put a hand on his 'area' and turned away.

Harry Potter jumped up and said in a seductive voice, " I have wild, passionate sex with Draco Malfoy every night. In my mind of course." He licked his lips and winked at a stunned Draco, who blushed a wild shade of crimson.

At that VERY second, Snape couldn't take it anymore. With an insane scream, he bolted out of the classroom, leaving the students in total silence.

"Do you think he actually thought we were being serious?" Blaise Zabini asked casually, twirling a strand of black hair in his fingers.

"Yes, of course! He looked like a madman, running out of the room like that" Susan Bones shook her head sadly.

"Say Potter, do you want me to make your dreams come true?" Malfoy asked, raising an eyebrow and letting a lone finger slide up and down his arm.

"Bring it."

And with that, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter ended up screwing the daylights out of each other, while the others watched.

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AU: And that's the end! Very very short isn't it? It was fun writing! Review if you please. Maybe I'll write requests!


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